I’d like to think that I'm a pretty rational person. I can keep relatively level headed in times of crisis and I've always got a pen and a plaster knocking around in my bag.
When I found out that I was pregnant, I sat reading blog after blog, watching video after video of glass-eyed, exhausted women talking about hormones during the first trimester. I watched their frazzled partners advising the men to stay out of the way, ask no questions and fetch ice cream on command.
I felt for those people, really I did. But I was sure it wasn't going to happen to me.
I sat with Sam, laughing scornfully at the idea of crying over running out of milk and assuring him I wouldn’t morph into one of these emotionally unhinged women, raging and tearful then sobbing with joy over a Moses basket the next.
I was in control.
Any hormonal pangs were chemical, biological and I had them in a firm grasp.
Alas, within a few weeks, I watched with dismay as this stoical ethos spread its mighty wings and flew straight out of my window without looking back and leaving me quite deserted.
As a general rule, I'm disinclined to like people who say ‘life is a rollercoaster’ - those people tend post inspirational quotes with pictures of those yellow Minions on Facebook or say things like 'I'm just a typical Gemini really, I wear my heart on my sleeve...'
This said, the sheer ups and downs of those few weeks were actually very akin to one of those treacherous dipper rides you see on rickety piers on the south coast. Nausea very much included.
One moment I'd be minding my own business and pottering around M&S for some lunch, and the next, I'd be filled with Hulk-like rage over someone walking that tiny bit too slowly, welling up over a RSCPA charity box by the till or ridiculously excited about the biscuits I'd just bought.
Now don't get me wrong, I love a good custard cream as much as the next person, but euphoria of that level is simply not normal no matter how good the biscuits are.
And all of this within the space of about six minutes. It doesn't matter how cocksure you are that it's all normal, that shit's exhausting.
Reasoning and rationale were distant memories and so behold, the top ten irrational things that made me cry during the first trimester.
I'm writing this well aware that people are actually going to read it. Maybe even people I've worked with before now. But I'm sharing this in solidarity with those rational women turned emotional wrecks during pregnancy and as a solid two fingers to the pregnancy magazines full of smiling, joyful women, that really just make new mums feel totally and utterly incompetent most of the time.
Ladies, take solace in the fact that someone else has made a tit of themselves for reasons far more daft.
10 Irrational Things That Made Me Cry During the First Trimester
Because because someone at work mentioned Dumbo in passing and the thought of a baby elephant made me cry in the office toilets.
Because I told my other half I was happy with any pizza for dinner, then cried because he didn’t get a chicken one.
Because my boss felt poorly.
Because I didn't like our new bookcase.
Because King George VI died and the Queen had to take over so young.
Because when I went for my first ultrasound scan, women in the waiting room were moving around on the spot, eating ice chips and I didn't know why. (turns out it's to wake up the baby)
Because of how much I love my dog.
Because my dog walked away from me.
Because Candice won The Great British Bake-Off. (adamant I'm not alone in that.)
Because my other half looked at me funny for smelling his red wine.
I’m by no means proud of any of these, and thankfully it was only my partner, Sam, who witnessed the majority of outbursts but hey, sometimes it’s hard to keep things in check when you’re growing a person inside of you.
It's alright not to be a smiling, glowing earth mother all the time, sometimes you're allowed to have a bit of an outburst over running out of tinned tomatoes (me again) or cry over how much you love sandwiches (also me).
When all else fails, flick the kettle on, look at pictures of dogs online and remember that it's chemical, it's allowed and it will pass.